Now that Facebook has become as much a part of society as going to work, school, or the movies, we’ve all had time to reflect on what we like and don’t like about the social network.
Although true honesty within Facebook often comes at the expense of embarrassment, it’s okay to be sincere about that which has taken over our lives. And since we’re the ones fuelling Facebook on a daily basis, it’s okay to put our socially sucky behaviour under the microscope. Call it therapy for the fear of being ostracized. Despite the fact that we invest more man hours in Facebook than it likely took to fight the American Civil War, to build the first Transcontinental Railroad, or propel some poor monkey in space, it’s okay to come clean on what sucks about Facebook. And we all know there are things that suck about Facebook … and suck bigger than anyone wants to admit.
So, as we unleash our inner Jedi on the dark side of Facebook, here we go:
5. Enigmatic Status Updates
Commonly known as “Vaguebooking,” many people have a tendency to vent their life frustrations via dramatic Facebook updates, with little to no detail. It’s that clever inside joke that no one gets but them. Rather than just admit what’s really bothering them, they prefer a more mysterious approach wherein friends and family are expected to guess the cause of their malaise. Example: “Sometimes people really suck”. Wow, you don’t say. Okay, I’ll take the bait. Comment: “What’s wrong?” Reply: “Nothing, people just really suck sometimes.”
Right. Not like you.
And while nobody can say for sure where this tendency for vague, non-specific expression originated, many signs do point to the ambiguous early-1990’s diary entries of a Mr. Doogie Howser, MD.
4. Pretentious Profiles
Oooohh! Do you like to SNOWBOARD by any chance!? When you’re not standing on a mountaintop and gazing off into the horizon and thinking deep thoughts that is! What a great picture and how LUCKY you are that there just happened to be someone behind you with a camera to capture the moment! What a cool snowboard, too! I bet you’re no slouch when it comes to the ladies!! Am I right!?
3. Non-Pretentious Profiles
Nothing says “not a s**t is given here” better than a Facebook profile picture like this. Upon deeper exploration into such a profile, the questions arise: Why is this person on Facebook at all, and what does he hope to accomplish? Why is the majority of his activity limited to 5 character responses like “lmfao” and “ur gay”? Why does he only have 38 Facebook friends, 35 of which are girls in bikinis with huge fake breasts and tattoos that he’s never even met? And why does he constantly link to rap videos with comments like “betta recognize”.
Recognize what? That you’re a social media underachiever who writes at a 3rd grade level and has bad taste in literally everything? It clear that the malodorous, fly-infested compost heap of non-sequiturs you call a brain is a work in progress and should be regarded by everyone as such?
Again, nuff said.
2. The Timeline
Thank God Facebook materialized when it did, giving users a more practical alternative to the jumbled, messy blog-oriented offerings of Myspace and … Wait. Never mind.
While the new “Timeline” feature on Facebook certainly makes things a lot easier for stalkers (who, according to studies, account for 99.9% of Facebook users), it certainly doesn’t help things for the rest of us, who simply want to pop over and write a quick hello on the wall of a total stranger we met at a party last night and added as a friend to avoid social awkwardness. No, not interested that your cat fell asleep on top of the TV in October 2009. In fact, just wanted to say hello and to see if you’d please change your profile picture to an image of healthy food in order to wipe out childhood obesity once and for all.
1. Inappropriate “Likes”
Most of the time it’s easy. When a Facebook friend posts something like “Car won’t start, don’t know how I’m getting to work in the morning,” you can just ignore it or, better yet, type in a white lie. Other times it can be a lot more complicated.
Say someone’s mother has just died. The friend’s post announces her death, describes what she died from and usually ends with a comment about what a great person she was. You agree – or at least suspect – that she was a good person but don’t want to comment, either because you’re lazy and don’t feel like it or because you don’t know the Facebook friend well enough to feign grief on his or her wall. But it’s okay to “like” the fact this person’s mother was a good person and be off the hook, isn’t it?
No, actually. And until Zuckerberg & Co finally get their act together and install a “dislike” button, things are only going to get worse. Indeed, a future where people like products, like that their friends like a product, and like that their friends like the fact they like the product their friends like seems only weeks – if not days – away.
In the meantime though, please feel free to “like” this article on Facebook.