7 Super Heroes We Can Live Without
by Larson Hill

#4 - Matter Eater Lad:

Poor Matter Eater Lad, if only he had a cooler name and real super power. It's not the fact that Matter Eater Lad (aka Tenzil Kem) comes from a Legion of Super Heroes era that younger fans can't relate to that we have a problem with; it's the fact that he's got THE worst name in the history of the super hero universe. It's kind of along the same lines as if Batman was really named "Bat Inhabitor Man". It has similar phonetic awkwardness. The little known "matter" of fact about Tenzil Kem is that he's responsible for saving the world more than once, which does make him a legitimate hero. Although Matter Eater Lad can chomp his way out of almost anything, which does give him a few more super options than some higher profile badass heroes when caught in a jam, it's still hard to take him seriously. A guy that can eat through almost any substance seems more like sideshow act from the Jim Rose Circus than a super hero.

#3 - Hoppy the Marvel Bunny:

Yep, he's a pink rabbit in a Shazam suit. Hoppy was spun off into his own comic from the Shazam world way back in the 1940s and was part of the Funny Animals series of the day. It's clear Hoppy was nothing more than a fun character geared toward kids. But weren't kids the ones who were already reading comic books anyway? Obviously 2-year old comic book geeks of the ‘40s needed something colorful to look at while their older brothers read the real comics. Any sympathy we had for the character went out the window when we learned Hoppy the Marvel Bunny was renamed to "Happy the Magic Bunny". Sounds more like an imaginary character you'd see inside a Chill Tent at Lollapalooza. He's basically Shazam with big feet, buckteeth, and floppy ears. We know there's a Shazam movie in the works, but if it does get off the ground and Hoppy makes an appearance in the film to battle Carrot Top, that'll be our cue to flee the theater.

#2 - Squirrel Girl:

If you can believe it, the mutant Squirrel Girl and her rodent allies actually kicked Dr. Doom's butt, beat Deadpool, even Mandarin. She's also Iron Man's friend, too. But much like Happy the Magic Bunny and Shazam, if we see Squirrel Girl in Iron Man 2, we're outta there. Sure she can whip some evil ass, but she's a buck-toothed mutant squirrel for crying out loud. A squirrel! Tony Stark and Iron Man, now that's cool. Did we say she's a squirrel? Although we can buy into the concept that Squirrel Girl understands the language of squirrels, the notion that squirrels can understand her when she speaks English simply takes her to Snagglepuss, Hanna-Barbera territory. If that's not enough, Squirrel Girl also carries snacks/friendly rewards in "nut sacks" on her utility belt, which takes her into Ron Jeremy territory. Please!

#1 - Captain Planet and the Planeteers:

Despite the admirable environmentally friendly ideals that Captain Planet and the Planeteers stand for, they've done a god-awful job of protecting the planet. Although Captain Planet and his environmentally friendly compatriots were created in 1990 by Ted Turner to defend the Earth from destructive human activity and help in the aftermath of natural disaster, they've gotten their asses handed to them in recent years. Since humans have been hell bent on destroying their existence on Earth, producing more pollution by the year and raping the planet of just about everything living and organic, it's clear Turner underestimated the super power of the people. The funny thing is: since the Earth gave the Planeteers their powers, and Captain Planet consists of their collective forces, you could say the Earth has done a horrible job of protecting itself. Where were the Planeteers during Hurricane Katrina? We don't have a problem with the morality of Captain Planet and the Planteers and their environmentally friendly messages, but they're caught in the middle of a contradictory battle that they'll never win.