The 2008 Britney Spears Horoscope
by Tom Burns

Aries (March 21 to April 20):

Ares fall under the sign of the ram, which is totally a coincidence, because Ram’s Horn apparently was one of Britney’s favorite restaurants back in Kentwood, Louisiana. Chain restaurant serendipity aside, Ares can be balls of uncontrolled OCD energy, which needs to be focused or harnessed for the good of mankind or else all that unchecked pep can turn - for lack of a better term - toxic. In 2008, Rams need to use this period to get off their collective behinds and get their dreams accomplished (try to recruit the help of someone under the Cancer sign - they’re great at project management), but be careful. If you don’t plan ahead, all that nervous energy is going to pour into some weird places. For example, on March 27, 2007, Star Magazine reported that a former nanny of Britney’s claimed that the pop star took her two-year-old son Sean Preston to the dentist to get his teeth whitened. Everyone loves a chemically-engineered Hollywood smile, but let’s leave the toddler oral hygiene to the fine folks at Crest, and try to find a more productive way to spend our time.

Taurus (April 21 to May 21):

Taurus is known as the zodiac’s fixed-earth sign, and that makes sense, because smack-dab in the middle of her Taurus cycle in 2007 (May 2, to be exact), Britney came back to Earth and got back to doing what she does best - shaking her groove-thing on stage. Those under the Bull sign tend to fiercely cling to old habits, a predilection that has both its pros and cons. Britney’s return to form at the LA House of Blues on May 2 reminded us all of better days, but it also made us aware of how little Ms. Spears has come since she first hit us one more time. Taureans love to retreat into the familiar, so in 2008, Bulls need to learn to be more flexible and spontaneous - maybe grab a Gemini and go get married in Vegas for a few days. Trotting out the favorites is a nice way to spend an evening, but no one’s going to become a "Slave 4 U," if you never try something new.

Gemini (May 22 to June 21):

More than any other horoscope hotties, Geminis are defined by their ability to communicate. Their lives are completely structured around their verbal and non-verbal responses to the world they live in. And ideally, this is an area where Britney would excel. We’re not saying that a great orator or not, but she is at the center of a multimedia empire, correct? Communication is supposed to be her thing, right? But that’s the sad duality of the Gemini lifestyle. It’s very easy for Geminis to speak, but it’s truly hard for them to convey substance. Don’t believe us? On May 30, 2007, Brit posted a message to her fans on her official web site, which included such inspirational gems as: "It is ok to disagree with people regarding certain issues. You're not being true to yourself if you succumb to others opinions because you feel guilty." Mull that Zen koan over in your head, Gemini grasshopper, and choose your words wisely in 2008.

Cancer (June 22 to July 23):

Cancer is a water sign and, even though Britney had one of her most constructive periods of 2007 under a previous water sign (Pisces), those suffering from Cancer (ooh, that sounds bad) are forced to perpetually wear their hearts on their sleeves (that doesn’t sound much better). People under this sign tend to think that they can will something to happen by just investing all of their emotions into an action and trying to inspire the people around them to follow their lead. However, all that emotional mojo can make Cancers a little bi-polar and unstable, which aren’t good qualities when you’re trying to stir the hearts of men to your cause. This worst case scenario happened to Britney herself in 2007. On July 19, she talked OK magazine into paying her $1 million dollars for an exclusive "comeback" interview, but after some (ahem) questionable behavior on Britney’s part at the photo shoot - which included open-door bathroom breaks, wiping chicken grease on her wardrobe, and her dog crapping on a $7,000 dress - OK canceled the interview, kept the money, and printed a cover story titled "Britney’s Meltdown." Just something to keep in mind for 2008, Cancers. No one will fault you for loving too much, provided that you can keep your emotions in check until you’re able to cash the check - the metaphorical check, that is.

The 2008 Britney Spears Horoscope Page 3