The 2008 Britney Spears Horoscope
by Tom Burns

2007 was a big year for a few Hollywood teen princesses, as the world witnessed a generation of evolving ingénues struggling with their public images, the paparazzi, and almost flagrantly frequent run-ins with the law. But, throughout it all, perhaps the most consistently visible of the girls-not-yet-women crowd was Britney Spears, which is impressive when you think about all the things Paris, Lindsay, and Nicole did behind the wheel of a car alone.

To the delight of bloggers and waiting-room magazine perusers alike, in 2007 Britney proved that she was as immutable as the tide. Whether intentional or not, she almost never made it through a week without giving the world something to talk about. In the realm of celebrity gossip, Britney has ascended into the heavens as a living goddess and, as such, all of our astrological charts and celestial maps must now be adjusted to make room, whether good or bad, for more headlines to come in 2008. Heck, no one remembers where Virgo and Libra were in September 2007, but everyone remembers Britney's attempted comeback performance of "Gimme More" at the VMAs.

Maybe if we chart Britney’s star in 2007 we can create a new horoscope for the post-Federline era that gives us an idea of where Britney might be heading in 2008 and how we, as her devoted followers, can better prepare ourselves for the perils of living a Spears-centric lifestyle and apply it to our own lives.

Capricorn (December 22 to January 20):

Yes, we know that Aries is traditionally the first sign in the zodiac calendar, but, like Britney, we’re a little bit country, y’all, and for country folk, the New Year starts somewhere around January 1st, we think, so we’re going with Capricorn. (The "country" justification also works surprisingly well for driving on the highway with an infant in your lap.) Britney Capricorns are goal-oriented - don’t be surprised to find yourself planning an aggressive personal schedule for 2008, during which you might drop a new album, reality show, perfume line, or at least a couple of kids. While Capricorns are great at coming up with lofty plans, they’re terrible at sweating the details, so be sure to surround yourself with some rock solid friends (ideally, Virgo or Libras). Was Britney able to see into her future during her Capricorn phase in 2007? You tell us. A few minutes into January 1, 2007, Britney apparently passed out in the PURE nightclub at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas.

Aquarius (January 21 to February 19):

Everyone always thinks of free-wheeling, unwashed hippies whenever someone mentions the "Age of Aquarius," but most Aquarians are more stubborn than you’d imagine. Britney seems to be willing to roll with the punches most of the time and, if her assistant brings her Aquafina instead of Fiji water, they’ll probably get a second chance before being fired, but that doesn’t mean that Britney isn’t willing to stand up for something she believes in. It’s an admirable quality, but it can make those sharing the Aquarius sign a bit rigid. (Try to have a Sagittarius teach you how to relax in ‘08.) Like her fellow Aquarian Abraham Lincoln, Britney just wants everything to be black and white (in a moral complexity way, not in a racial way). Case in point - Britney famously shaved her head towards the end of her Aquarius cycle on February 17, 2007, showing the world how a true Spears-quarian reacts to a bad haircut. Be sure to pick your battles in 2008, Aquarians, and never experiment with home perms.

Pisces (February 20 to March 20):

Our celestial diva Ms. Spears spent the majority of her 2007 Pisces phase checked into a drug rehabilitation facility in Malibu, and we already know what you’re thinking - "Oops, she did it again." Points for the pun, but this stands as one of the best decisions Spears made in ’07, it’s something all Pisces should pay attention to in ’08. Pisces take to their physical environments like (excuse the pun, again) fish to water. As a hiding mechanism, they imitate and adapt to the characteristics of their surroundings, so Britney couldn’t have picked a better time to try rehab again. Take heed for 2008. Wait until your Pisces cycle to try that secret desire you’ve been holding onto for months - gastric bypass, pole-dancing lessons, auditioning for American Idol - and you just might be able to chameleon yourself into a new you.

The 2008 Britney Spears Horoscope Page 2