STUDIO: Warner Brothers
RELEASE DATE: March 7, 2008
STARRING: Steven Strait, Camilla Belle, Cliff Curtis, Joel Virgel, Affif Ben Badra, and Omar Sharif
WRITTEN BY: Roland Emmerich & Harald Kloser
DIRECTED BY: Roland Emmerich
GENRE: Action
RATING: PG-13

Every once in a while, a movie comes along that is simply baffling in its ineptitude. Luckily, it's only a few times a year that we're treated to a truly awful gem like License to Wed, Captivity, or [insert your least favorite movie here]. Against all expectations, Roland Emmerich's 10,000 B.C. falls into that same caliber of filmmaking - jaw-droppingly bad. Unless you think a CGI Sabretooth tiger can save a movie, there's shockingly nothing to recommend about this flat, dull, and excruciatingly boring adventure to a time that apparently predates things like character, action, or even editing. Oh, wait, fans of CGI mastodons might be just as satisfied.

10,000 B.C. centers on the story of D'Leh (Steven Strait), a warrior whose father took off into the hills one day and never came back (after you see the movie, you'll assume he was trying to get into another theatre). D'Leh was ostracized as the son of a coward but after a lucky battle with a runaway mastodon, he suddenly becomes the hero. He gets the symbolic white spear and the opportunity to lead his tribe, but, most importantly, he gets the heart of his true love, the blue-eyed Evolet (Camilla Belle). One day, "the four-legged demons" come to town and kidnap everyone of working age. D'Leh and his mentor Tic'Tic (Cliff Curtis) come back to find their village in ruins and Evolet stolen for slave labor. They gather the remaining men and head after them over the mountains, from where no man has ever returned.

Ridiculously narrated by Omar Sharif, the script for 10,000 B.C. is so awash in legends, journeys and the stereotypical characters that come with them that there isn't any way for the audience to identify with what's happening and barely even any effort in that department. The first third of the film with its witch doctors and bizarre accents is bad enough, but it's when the road trip begins that 10,000 B.C. really falls apart. It's shot after shot of men in loincloths with spears walking. They walk over mountains. They walk across sand. It's comical (or torturous, depending on your mood) in its lack of storytelling. And then it goes from boring to offensive. D'Leh and his people run across an African tribe who have apparently been waiting for a lucky white man to lead them to save their kidnapped brethren. As if it's not racially insensitive enough to write a film where the white man helps the Africans free the slaves, all the bad guys in the film look more than a little Middle Eastern. It's the kind of issue that most people ignore if the action is good enough, but the racial profiling in 10,000 B.C. would make even the most hardcore action junkie wonder why they're watching another ostensibly escapist film that casts the white man as the only savior and everyone else as villain or victim.

Once again, if the odd racial issues of 10,000 B.C. were the only complaint, it would be easier to let it slide, but that's far from Emmerich's biggest problem. In fact, there are so many problems with 10,000 B.C. that even fixing a few of them wouldn't save this mess. It's hard to say what's more annoying - that half the characters speak English with undefinable accents while the other half (usually the villains) speak a made up language of grunts or that Emmerich and his team fail to stage even one convincing action sequence. The shockingly uncharismatic lead performances - D'Leh is so forgettable that I don't think you could pick him out of a lineup ten minutes after seeing the flick - and the sloppy editing might compete for that 'most annoying' title as well.

For the first-third of 10,000 B.C., I laughed more than several of the recent romantic comedies (the witch doctor is particularly hilarious) but they were, of course, giggles that Emmerich didn't intend. Still, it's worth noting that as a so-bad-its-funny period adventure, 10,000 B.C. could have a few fans this season. And those of you who really love prehistoric animals that look like cartoons might get a kick out of it. Everyone else would have more fun in history class.