PUBLISHER: Quirk Books
RELEASE DATE: May 1, 2008
WRITTEN BY: Denise Kiernan and Joseph D'Agnese
PRICE AND PAGES: $18.95, 176 pages
FORMAT: Hardcover

How prepared are you - truly and honestly prepared - for the release of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Sure, you've re-watched the trilogy nine times, had your fedora dry-cleaned, and brushed up on the Latin alphabet, just in case you encounter any booby traps, but how can any true diehard Indy fan know if they're fully prepared to live a Jones-centric lifestyle? Without a Marcus Brody or wacky kid sidekick to turn to for assistance, Indiana aficionados will undoubtedly seek out Quirk Book's new release, The Indiana Jones Handbook: The Complete Adventurer's Guide, a compilation of real-world advice on how to swing and punch their way through life just like Dr. Henry Jones Jr. Do you want to know how to ride an elephant, pass under a moving truck, or escape the wrath of God? Then this guidebook is, apparently, right up your alley.

It's an interesting idea for a movie tie-in, even though the concept and format is essentially lifted from those "Worst Case Scenario" books that plagued Borders' gift-racks a few years ago. Not that I'd want to accuse the authors of unoriginality. The handbook was written by Denise Kiernan and Joseph D'Agnese, who previously wrote the 24: The Official CTU Operations Manual, so they've researched way, way too many unconventional torture methods for me to want to get on their bad sides. Unfortunately, The Indiana Jones Handbook, while reverent of its source material and beautifully designed, suffers from both its lack of originality and lack of expert advice.

Obviously produced with the cooperation of Lucasfilm, the book itself features some great stills from the previous Indy movies, clever, well-composed illustrations, and a gorgeous cover that reproduces my personal favorite Drew Struzan Raiders of the Lost Ark poster, but the text is, pretty much, a Worst Case Scenario knock-off that never really sounds like it knows what it's talking about. The Worst Case books took off because they presented Time-Life-style do-it-yourself walkthroughs of both common and uncommon scenarios, the kinds of thing everyone thinks about in their spare moments - "I wonder if I could kick in that door... what would happen if my parachute didn't open... etc." The Indiana Jones Handbook, on the other hand, just plucks some scenarios from the Indy trilogy and keeps the advice vague and bland. For example, in the section titled "How to Survive If You Are Poisoned", the authors give seven pieces of advice - numbers 1 through 6 are essentially "don't get poisoned" and number 7 is "get the antidote." Um, I don't know if I was expecting some sort of MacGyver-esque vinegar-and-baking-soda anti-poison solution that I'd never heard of, but, guys, I'm pretty sure I could've come up with that myself.

I realize that this book is supposed to be a gift item and not a research tool, but even other far-fetched "survival guide" books like Daniel H. Wilson's How to Survive a Robot Uprising or Max Brooks' fantastic Zombie Survival Guide have sounded infinitely more authoritative than the beyond-slight Indiana Jones Handbook. But even if you don't care about the technical quality of the information presented within, the handbook is still fairly dull reading. Yes, there are lots of references to the movies, but overall, the text is lifeless and stretched far, far too thin to cover the book's flimsy premise. My final complaint is that, even though the book is damn pretty to look at (and, seriously, if you know an Indy fan, they may love the book as a gift simply for that), I don't understand the decision to release The Indiana Jones Handbook as a hardcover at all. This book should've been a small diary that you could tuck in your back pocket and read on a plane as you fly to far and distant lands, searching for adventure. Instead, it's a bulky hardcover, which just doesn't fit the light, breezy tone of the book. If you're a diehard Jones-head, you might want to pick up the Indiana Jones Handbook, but, for everyone else, just buy a Worst Case Scenario guidebook, do a wiki-search on crystal skulls, and you should be just fine.